Accommodating Individuality: What Hasn't Worked for Us

We currently have 8 individuals living in our house (soon to be 9). Each of these people has their own personality, their own desires, their own likes and dislikes. We also live in a very small home, averaging approximately 165 sq ft per person.

I've had a lot of questions recently about how we accommodate individuality in our home. What we do with "personal" items, or special trinkets for each person, and how we handle individual preferences. With such limited space, we have several general rules to help everyone live comfortably, and then we have tried to create personal space for everyone. We have not always been successful in finding solutions that work for everyone, though, so I thought I'd share several of the things that didn't work for us. Maybe they'll work for you, or maybe they'll help you find something that does work for you.

House Rules
The first rule in our house is that it is our house... Mine and my husband's. The house does not belong to the kids. They did not pay for it, they are not financially responsible for it, and they do not have rights to the house (this rule was the same in all rentals we lived in prior to purchasing our home). Our children are given stewardship over their bedrooms, but the rooms and the space still belong to Mom and Dad.

The second rule is that if you can't take care of it, you don't get it. If the kids cannot maintain an acceptable level of order and cleanliness in their room, they lose the privilege of keeping certain items there. This is one reason that our children's rooms are so barren right now. In the past, we have allowed our girls to keep a few special items in their room... but they were rarely put away where they belonged, and that privilege was lost. We have also had crayon, pen, pencil, and marker drawn on the walls and dresser, so art supplies are not allowed in the bedrooms anymore.

Communal Property
Most of the toys & supplies in our home are considered communal property. No one "owns" any of the hair accessories, they are simply available on a first come-first served basis. The Duplos and blocks are meant to be shared, or for taking turns, even though a couple Duplo sets were specifically given to the boys as Christmas presents.

When our children receive gifts of toys, they are usually allowed to play with them on their own for a period of time, then they are put with the rest of the toys of that type and are considered "share-able." There are still some toys and items that seem to retain an owner, even though they are shared toys. Everyone seems to know that the small stuffed hippo belongs to J2, and the lioness belongs to J1. The zebra is K's, and everyone knows it's name too... but the zebra, the lioness, and the hippo still end up in the large toy box with the other stuffed animals every day.

*Special note: growing up our toys always ended up as communal as well, which wasn't a big deal. But now that most of my siblings are grown, my mother wishes she had at least labeled toys with who had received them as gifts and things so that it would be easier to divide up the toys as she passes them on. We are working on labeling a lot of our toys in this way... similar to Andy from Toy Story. :)

Projects & Special Toys
Every child has toys and items they are especially possesive of: the special doll they have slept with since they were a baby, their favorite drawing of a rainbow, random craft projects from when Grandma visited, even the picture of their favorite pizza from the weekly mailer.

I understand the need to keep these special items in a special place, and away from the communal toys & projects, so we have tried a couple methods for helping our children keep their private things, but also keep them from taking over our house.

Gallery Wall
One method we tried with varying success was a "gallery wall" in the girls' room. In a previous apartment, we hung a piece of yarn and attached special projects with clothespins. We allowed the girls one clothespin for each year (so, our then 4 year old had 4 clothespins). The girls chose what to keep, and when they wanted a new picture or project hung, they had to choose which one to get rid of from the wall.

This worked for a while, but as they got older the projects got heavier and they got more clothespins. Eventually they decided to use the yarn as a swing and pulled the whole thing off the wall... it didn't go back up after that.

Then, in our new home, we allowed the girls to hang special pictures & drawings on the wall using push pins. This didn't last very long because the push pins would fall out and could be dangerous for little ones.

I liked the clothespin idea before, but needed something sturdier. I installed cup hooks on the girls' bedroom wall, and gave them binder clips to hang from the cup hooks. This was simple enough that the girls could keep up with the art replacement on their own, and sturdy enough to hold most projects, and some 3D items.

Unfortunately, the girls didn't keep things maintained very well. The younger ones ended up ripping the cup hooks right out of the wall so they could use them for a different "project" and we slowly stopped hanging things altogether. In this picture you can see our oldest still had a few things hung, but her sisters hooks below hers are empty and most of them are actually not in the wall anymore.

Cubbies
Another method we have tried to use is one we call "cubbies." We purchased an inexpensive shoe storage solution that has 6 cubby type spaces in it. Each of the girls was assigned two cubbies and allowed to keep whatever they wanted in their cubby as long as it followed two simple rules: 1) you may not keep anything in your cubby that belongs to someone else, 2) everything in your cubby must fit IN your cubby.

This method is still in use now, but we have had some problems with it as well. The first problem is that the girls can't find anything they want from the cubbies, and end up dumping the entire contents to find what they are looking for, and then don't put anything back. Also, the cubbies have been used for play as well as storage, and they have not held up as well as I would have liked.

For these reasons, the girls have lost the privilege of keeping the cubbies in their room. For now, they are kept in the school room, where they only have access to them with permission.

Why These Didn't Work
Honestly, I believe that the main reason these solutions have not worked for us is because our children are simply too young and immature. I firmly believe that if you really care about something, you will take care of it. Our children simply do not care enough about their personal items to properly care for them. But they are learning.

We will continue to offer our children opportunities to care for their own personal belongings, and if they show maturity, they will be allowed to keep more things separate from the communal items. If they do not take care of their personal items, and leave them out of place, refuse to put them away, or allow younger siblings to make a mess with them (like leaving markers on the floor in a bedroom while they are playing with ponies in a different room), they will lose those privileges.

Future Options
While some of the ideas we have tried so far have not worked, we have thought of other options to try in the future, when our children seem to show a bit more responsibility. These ideas are mostly for a defined space for our children to keep their treasures, so that they can have some control over what is in the space, but they are still required to keep things they are not actively using IN the space. Some options for this space include: plastic bins stored under a bed, a locking box stored under a bed or in a closet, a closet drawer or shelf, a nightstand with a drawer.

Someday, if we ever have more space and resources available to us... I would love to provide each of my children with a armoire to customize however they choose, and store whatever they want. (Lots of great ideas here and here or just Googling "repurposed armoires" and scrolling through the images.) But there's no way we could fit that much furniture in our current home, so we'll be working on a smaller scale for now. :)